Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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