Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
