yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
