I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
