I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
