she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
