Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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