I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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