Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
