my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
