Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
