I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
