If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
