Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
NoShamevember. You game?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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