I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
