I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
