If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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