i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
