So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How external is "for external use only"?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
