He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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