guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
