I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
