I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
God gave him joint rollers for hands
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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