My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
