Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
