ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
