ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
