his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
