thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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