Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
