Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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