i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
