She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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