I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
