booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
