Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
All I want is dick and wine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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