Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
