I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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