It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
