you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
