I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
