Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
