Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
