Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
