I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I will die if light touches me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
