You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
