i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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