I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My cat gives me a boner
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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