she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The uberlube is also flammable
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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