My hand turned me down
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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