If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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