I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
