The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
