the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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