i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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